ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tom was born in rural Romania to peasant farmers. At age two his parents sold him to Gypsies for 21 rubles. They used the money to buy a new hoe for their garden. The Gypsies were never mean or anything to Tom. His job with them mostly was to walk around a new town the gypsies arrived in wearing a sandwich board which advertised their crystal ball reading service.
At age eight Tom ran away from them and worked his way across Europe as a lounge singer, making himself look older by wearing a fake mustache. At age ten while singing in the Voom Voom Va Voom room Tom was involved in a bar room brawl and killed nine men using judo techniques he learned out of a book bought from an ad in True Detective magazine. The men had been heckling Tom's singing performance.
Tom fled the country, stowed away on a freighter and arrived in America where he went to work in the coal mines. Buying a forged high school diploma from a counterfeiter he had met on a miniature golf course Tom enrolled in night classes at the Locksmith College. Four years later he graduated at the top of his class and also was the mascot, "Locky" for the school's sports team, "The fighting Padlocks."
Tom worked for two years at his new locksmithing profession. Then one night he attended his first circus and instantly fell in love. He quit his job, joined the big top and became part of the famous "Flying Mollica's trapeze act. Tom would also fill in as the lion tamer whenever the regular guy wanted a night off.
Tom then changed his last name to Mollica to impress women circus groupies. Before that he still went by his original family name of Slanoslowski, which meant "bowling shoe maker" in Romanian.
At first Tom's job with the trapeze act was to hang by his feet upside down on a swing and catch the shows star, Juanita Larue by the toes after she did a summersault in mid air. Later he became a featured attraction and would wear skin tight outfits while doing daring flips high above the ground. A fall of 100 feet caused Tom to injure his gall blatter and quit the act.
Tom resumed his singing career, forming the band "Tommy and the Turtles." He was the lead singer and sang popular hit songs while the band dressed in turtle costumes and sang and danced behind him. They were very good and often would be Buddy Hackets opening act in Las Vegas.
Tom tired of the grueling life on the road and joined the world of politics, entering the U.S. Senate race in Wisconsin. He was the leading vote getter in polls until a tabloid newspaper showed pictures of him appearing nude in Whoopee Girl magazine. The pictures were taken when Tom was a struggling Shakespearean actor living in a loft apartment in New York City. Before the scandal many had thought Tom with his good looks and charisma to be a future presidential candidate.
One afternoon while I was sitting around my apartment watching a basketball game on TV I saw a report how a couple basketball players were paid an enormous amount of money to wear a brand of shoe. I wrote a "Tom Letter" to the shoe company and volunteered my services to wear their shoes for free. To my surprise the shoe company sent me free shoes.
I thought, "Wow. That is really neat." And began writing Tom Letters to other companies- to offer my services. Most of them would send back free stuff and some of the response letters were pretty funny too.
My efforts to have a new car sent to me have gone unrewarded, but I did get a 6-pack of sauerkraut juice. This is actually little cans of sauerkraut. Like if you would pour the juice out of a sauerkraut can and drink it. I couldn't find anyone that wanted to share my sixer. I tried my Grandma, figuring it seemed like a Grandma thing but she wouldn't drink any and told me to shave my mustache.
I did find some neat things to do with the cans while working in an office where workers had their own little cubicle deparated by dividers. I would soak a tissue with kraut juice, sneak into a co-workers space while they were out and put the tissue under papers in their waste basket. You would see them sniffing the air, thinking, "What is that?" Which reminds me. The worse thing about driving in the country by yourself is when you go past a cow pasture you have no one to say to. "Peeeuuu. Did you do that?"
Some of my favorite letters are in this gala mini-book which you can order for a measly $3.95 which includes shipping and handling. Send check or money order to
PO Box 341932
Milwaukee WI 53234
A letter to Hanes Underwear
Winston Salem, NC 27104
To Whom It May Concern:
I recently read an article how certain athletes and celebrities are paid an enormous amount of money to wear a brand of underwear. Since I wear Hanes underwear I have come up with a plan to help you lower expenses. I will wear your underwear for free. That's right! FREE. I bet you just about fell out of your chair.
Now in case you are saying to the guy at the next desk. "Hey Harry. Some nincompoop is trying to get free stuff." Let me explain. I tend bar in a very popular bar in West Milwaukee. The closest bar to County Stadium- home of the Brewers. Picture me tending bar when it is really packed. I step to the middle of the bar, pull my pants down and show off your briefs. Of course women are going to say things like, "Ooooweee" and "Hubba Hubba."
Now one underwear company has perfectly built models promoting their clothing. Another has handsome athletes. I'm kind of short and dumpy. So when guys in the bar see that I look okay, they think to themselves. "If this lunkhead looks good in Hanes, I'll probably look great. That's the underwear I'm buying from now on."
Now if that's not enough, listen to this part. I work hanes into every ones conversation by butting in while they are talking. Say a guy comes in and says. "My wife just ran off with a rock singer, I must have a tooth pulled, the mailman told everyone in the neighborhood that I subscribe to Whoopee Girl Magazine. I'm really worried about life."
I tell him. "One thing I never worry about is the elastic stretching in my Hanes underwear. Why it lasts for years and years.
Or say someone says. "My old battle ax burnt the pot roast again." I say, "When my wife overcooks the roast I walk around the house in a pair of colored Hanes underpants and tell her if she doesn't start cooking food at the proper temperature I may go down to the Women's Go Go place and start dancing dressed like this. Pretty women will be putting dollars in my Hanes and inviting me to eat dinner at their places.
Feel free to send me any type of Hanes underwear that you wish me to model and your Milwaukee sales could double or triple.
Shirt size: Large
Pants size: Large
Pizza size: Medium (Extra pepporoni)
Dear Mister Mollica:
Hanes Knitwear, like a lot of companies that sell products all over the country, gets a lot of letters each year. They take many forms- some are complaints. some are suggestions, some are new product ideas, and, I think some people just want to have a "pen pal." Most of the letters are predictable in terms of the kinds of subject matter. yours does not fall into that category.
Your comments, along with a certain amount of brashness ( and I mean that with great respect.) mean that there is no way I could not send you some of our product. (I have one great curious question and that is, do you use the same technique in other product categories? If you do, I assume you have a house full of tennis shoes, sunglasses, belts, wrist watches, wigs, razors, after-shave, body paint, cigarettes, plus a solid gold money clip.
Mr. Mollica your letter was a bright spot in an otherwise dull day. Thanks for writing.
I am sending you T-shirts and briefs. (I can not send you a medium pepporoni pizza, because the last time I did that some of the grease leaked out and our postman slipped and broke his hip. He now refuses to handle our pizza deliveries.
A letter to Tater Tots
To Whom It May Concern:
I think you are not doing a good job of marketing Tater Tots. You should try selling them as, "Love Food." To me, Tater Tots and falling in love go hand in hand. I've heard people rave about raw oysters, special vitamins and the yellow parts of an egg as things to eat for a sexual turn on, but to me none compares to Tater Tots.
I remember in my youth taking freshly roasted Tater Tots to the drive in movies with my favorite gal. We'd pop a couple in our mouths between smooches. I believe Tater Tots with their aphrodisiac effect is the reason that girl at the drive in became my wife. As a matter of fact, we named our first two children, "Tater and Tot Mollica.
Unlike other couples that have the luster leave their marriages right after the honeymoon, it was not the case with my little petunia and me. Whenever we have a lull in our relationship, I dress up as Emperor Nero, she dresses up as a slave girl and feeds me Tater Tots one right after the other.
So maybe for your next commercial, have a couple sitting in front of an open fireplace. The man gently kisses the woman on the neck and lovingly asks. "Shall we hit the boudoir my little cupcake?" "Not tonight. I have a headache." She replies. "I'll cook up some Tater Tots in a pan over the open fire." He pleads. "Yes. If you do that my headache will go away and I'll even put on my fish net nylons." She responds.
If you don't want to use humans, maybe approach the commercial using fish. A male flounder says to a female flounder. "Do you wish to mate tonight?" "Not tonight." She responds, "I have a haddock." Then continue on with the commercial.
So if you have any coupons for Tater Tots, please forward them to me as the little woman and I currently spend about fifty dollars a week on them.
Dear Mister Mollica:
Our ORE-ITA TATER TOTS have been praised for their many attributes, however I must admit, you are the first to laud their use as an aprodisiac.
Your letter was truly imaginative and enjoyed by many. Thank you so much for your kind comments and for interjecting some humor into our day.
Mr. Mollica, please accept the enclosed coupons good toward any Ore-Ida brand frozen potatoes. Who knows, you may find our other varieties equally irresistible. Sincerely,
To order The Tom Letters send $4.99 to
PO BOX 341932
Milwaukee WI 53234
If you have a question send it to